Grotesque darkness A vignette By San (c) 2001-07-24 Story: A vignette based on season three's "Grotesque". Mulder comes to terms with the fact even the best on the job can descend into darkness, and wonders if he's strong enough to handle the job of profiler. Spoilers: Spoilers for "Grotesque" Rated R Disclaimer: Do I need to remind you these characters aren't mine? Unfortunately they belong to CC and 1013, but hey, I don't care. He was afraid. No, not afraid. Terrified. Terrified and hurt. When he stared at his own reflection, he saw a bandage on his face with underneath that scar that still ached. It was bound to infect and leave its permanent, if only to remind him forever what he had done wrong. For he believed he had screwed up. Scully was there. He saw her reflection in the mirror. She put her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry," she whispered with a voice that sounded nothing like her own, skeptical self. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you. But I was so sure that you had become the killer you were looking for. I believed it beyond a doubt." He turned around. His tired eyes glared back at her. And then he smiled and she knew he was at the end of his rope. But he still bore a smile for her; one she did not understand. "What is it?" she asked. "Why this smile?" "I was becoming that killer," he whispered and then the smiling was over. He shivered as she stood before her and put his arms around his freezing body. "Jesus, Scully, I really was on my way to become him." "I don't understand," she said. "You got your guy. You knew it was Bill. I watched you accuse him with self-assurance. He was the one." "Yes, he was. But it would have become me if he hadn't been it." Mulder stared at his slender fingers. The clay was still on it. He had dug into those sculptures to find the mutilated bodies of the victims who happened to be in the way when first John Mostow and then Bill Patterson started their killing spree. He had wanted to know what it was like. He had become that dark monster Mostow claimed did the murders. "That 'thing' was looking for someone, Scully. He looked for the one with an open mind; the one that was ready and willing to accept it." "And you would have accepted it?" "Yes, I would have. I wanted to know why someone would cut up another human being like that. I wanted to know what it was like. Perhaps I even wanted to kill." "No, you didn't. You wanted to know what it was like. That, I can understand. But you would have never killed. You are too strong for that." "Am I really? I'm subject to manipulation, Scully, because I go after these guys. I want to know what makes them tick. I could become one of them, like Patterson has become." "Bill didn't know where to draw the line anymore. He has done this work for far too long. That's why this happened. The line was crossed and he didn't know where to go back. It was too late for him." "Was it really? Shouldn't we have stopped this from happening? Shouldn't I have seen it?" "How could you when he hid it so well?" Mulder's eyes darkened as he looked at her. "Perhaps I too hide things you don't know anything about." She shook her head. "No. I don't believe that." Her hand touched his cheek. "It will never happen. You will never kill like Patterson has done." "I hope so." "I know so," she said determined, offering him her arm. He accepted it and let her take him home. For the first time in days he knew he would be able to sleep. It was more than he had done in quite some time. The End