TITLE: Need (1/1)

AUTHOR: Rhasa

CATEGORY: MSR, V

KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully angst

RATING: R

SPOILERS: A small reference to Paper Hearts

SUMMARY: A discussion about need.

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: The following characters are the creation and
possession of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and the FOX network. They are
used without permission with much gratitude and respect. No copyright
infringement is intended. No money is being made from this story.

ARCHIVE: O.K to archive anywhere as long as you let me know where it's
headed, don't earn a dime from it and keep my name and disclaimer on it.

FEEDBACK: Yes please. Even just a one liner to let me know you read it.
Rhasa4@yahoo.com

******************************************
Need
By Rhasa

She really wasn't expecting him to show up on her doorstep; she hadn't even
allowed herself to contemplate the possibility of him doing just that.
Instead, since her return from their latest case in Boston, she had kept
herself busy, tidying her apartment; doing anything to keep herself from
thinking about him. Now, as he stood before her at the door of her
apartment, she knew she was still not ready to confront him. 

"Scully," he simply said with a nod after she had remained silent while
staring at him for a good half minute or so. 

"Mulder," she replied curtly.

"Can I come in?" Part of him had expected her to slam the door in his face;
but another part of him knew that no matter how Scully felt, she would
never do that.

She stepped aside to let him past, watched his back for a moment as he
shrugged off his leather jacket, and then brushed past him into the
kitchen, busying herself with a menial task in the kitchen sink.

After a few moments of feeling Mulder's eyes bore into the back of her head
and enduring a tense silence, she spoke. "What do you want, Mulder?'

"I want to talk."

"Well I don't exactly feel like talking to you right now," she said,
plunging her already wrinkled hands back into the near scalding soapy
dishwater.

"Well that's good because I really wanted you to just listen," he shot back
at her. 

Silently, Mulder was grateful that she was pretending to ignore him. He
wasn't sure if he could say the words he had carefully rehearsed while
looking into her eyes.

"I'm not sure I want to listen to anything you want to say either," she
parried.

Mulder chose to ignore her. 

"I'm sorry. That's what I wanted to say. I'm sorry - for everything." When
she still didn't look at him, he continued. "I know now what I did, what I
said was wrong. I couldn't see that before. You were right Scully. I was
too far gone, so deep inside myself, that I couldn't see out. I was wrong.
You were trying to help me. I know that now. I was wrong to brush you off."

His words caused the waves of nausea that she had been fighting all day to
return. She gripped the sink tightly as the incident in Boston replayed in
her mind once again.

It wasn't the first time that there had been a request for Mulder join a
particular investigation; many in the bureau were well aware of his
profiling skills. But Scully had a feeling from the start that this case
would be different. She had felt uneasy when they involved themselves in
the Roche serial murder investigation and knew what effect child murders
had on her partner given the demons from his past that still haunted him.
She knew the moment they joined the Boston investigative team that this was
the type of case to consume Mulder, heart and soul. She had seen him nearly
destroy himself on other cases, by running himself into the ground, and
this was no exception.

For four weeks he assisted a team of agents with his profile, analysed
trace evidence and poured over six autopsies reports which had been
compiled by Scully. She had kept a watchful eye on him, and was worried
when he began to stay late at the field office, concerned when he began to
skip meals and anxious when he failed to return to their hotel at night in
the last week.

All along she had expressed her concerns to him only to be dismissed by a
casual wave of his hand and a promise to take better care of himself. But
all that changed in the last week when she found him in the evidence room,
curled up in a corner crying his eyes out. 

It had only been twelve hours since the latest victim, a six year old girl,
had been found. Scully had gone looking for him, knowing there was a good
chance he was off somewhere blaming himself, since he had not completed his
profile of the killer in time to save Ebony Dickson.
He didn't see her enter the room, the main table obscuring his view of the
door. She had almost missed discovering him there had it not been for the
pitiful wail she heard coming from the corner. Amongst his sobs she heard
him repeat over and over again, "I could have saved her. I was too late. I
could have saved her I was too late."

Her attempts to comfort him were in vain at first. He seemed distant and
was unresponsive. But after an hour at his side, he recognised her and
acknowledged her presence for the first time. She was gentle with him,
calmly trying to persuade him to come back with  her to the hotel for some
rest, but he had refused. She tried reasoning with him, telling him that
what he was feeling was natural and the result of extreme stress, fatigue,
lack of food and as the result of generally not looking after himself.
After that tactic failed, she tried to convince him that he couldn't expect
to save any others if he let himself become dysfunctional, that he couldn't
go on like this for much longer and he would be no good to anyone if he
would collapse. That was when he had turned on her.

His words had been harsh, bitter and intended to hurt. He accused her of
not wanting to solve the case. He accused her of not possessing his skills
to solve the case. He then became totally irrational and accused her of
sabotaging his investigation, withholding evidence from him and having a
secret agenda. Finally, as his voice grew to a anger-filled scream, and as
he stormed towards her with clenched fists, gritted teeth  and spittle
flying from his mouth, he had told her he didn't need her telling him what
to do or how to take care of himself, and in fact he didn't need her at all
on this case. 

In that moment she was no longer afraid for him, she was afraid of him.
Somehow she fought the urge to run from the room and managed to calmly turn
and close the door behind her. Two and a half hours later she was on a
flight back to D.C. with a meeting arranged with Skinner. She hadn't seen
him since then, until  now.

"It was more than just a brush off," she whispered as she remembered the
last words he spoke to her a few days before.

"I know that."

Then with a noticeable shrug her toned changed. "I'm glad you're... feeling
better."

"Is that all you're going to say?"

"What else did you expect?"

"I was kind of hoping that you'd let me have it. That you'd rant a little,
maybe rave a little." He grinned slightly hoping his remark would lighten
the mood somewhat.

"I don't rant and rave, Mulder," she said with a sigh. His grin, one
complete with teeth showing, now dissolved as he watched her gaze down at
the floor. She looked so tired, so lost, so...defeated, and he knew it was
because of him. He really could be a bastard sometimes.

"Well, maybe you should. I deserve it," he acknowledged.

"Is that what this is all about?" She asked seriously, as she turned away
from her sink and her eyes found his again. The crinkle in her brow and the
slight tilt of her head revealing that she was indeed confused somewhat by
his apology and self flagellation.

"What do you mean?"

She couldn't help it as some of the anger she was feeling found it's way
into her voice. "Did you come here, to say these things to me, to give me
*permission* to be angry with you so you will feel better?" She stepped
towards him pinning him with her glare.  "Did you come here to purge
yourself of your guilt?" 

"No. It's not like that..." Mulder stumbled momentarily unable to tell her
just why he had bothered to come see her tonight. It wasn't like he had
made it a habit to come and beg his partner's forgiveness when he had
screwed up in the past.  "I came because... I came because, I wanted to say
I was sorry... To apologise..."

"Well you have, so you can go." She gestured towards the door.

For a moment he considered it. It was obvious that she didn't want to talk
about what had happened between them, it was obvious that she was angry
with him; which is what he had expected - what he had wanted even. But this
wasn't the way he had thought things would have gone. He had expected her
anger, he had counted on it, but he hadn't expected or counted on her
shutting him out; not now, not this time. Their partnership had suffered
too big a wound for them to ignore. They had to clear this up and he had to
clear it up tonight.

"No I can't. I guess I also came here to make sure I haven't screwed
everything up with you. I came here to make sure that things will still be
o.k. between us."

"Has it ever been o.k. between us, Mulder?" Her voice sounded sad.

"What are you saying, Scully?"

"Nothing, nevermind. I'm just... tired, Mulder," she sighed. "I'm tired of 
a lot of things."

And then it hit him. Her words... He had gone too far... She was beginning
to question *them*. A small part of his brain snorted at the thought. She
would have been wise to begin to question them the first year of their
partnership. But this was different. She was beginning to question their
past, their current partnership and any future partnership. And it made her
sad; he could see it, hell he could feel it. *Them* was something that was
no longer making her happy. Did what they have ever make her happy? *Them*
was now a burden to her; another cross for her to bear; just one more thing
that left a gaping hole inside of her. It was because of *them* that they
had lost so much. But surely there were good times, Mulder asked himself.
If there weren't why had she bothered to stay with him for so long?

"Look Scully, I know I am a total pain in the ass to work with, you deserve
a better partner, you deserve a better life. Things haven't exactly been
easy for us. But we do work well together. There are times when... when we
are totally in sinc," he tried to convince her.  "Maybe I don't remind you
enough of those times. Maybe I should."

"Maybe you should," she agreed.

"The fact that I am standing here before you now, instead of lying six feet
under, is a testimony to you, Scully." He tried to convince her as he moved
around her sofa to stand before her. "I've said it before, o.k. maybe not
as often as I should have, but you have saved me, Scully, a thousand times
over. And you saved me once again this week."

"Did I?" she asked.

"Of course you did." He nodded his head, as he wondered why she would
question the obvious.

"Well it certainly didn't feel like it." She bowed her head once more.

"Wha-"

"Mulder," she cut him off. "It wasn't until Rendall complained to Skinner
and Skinner hauled your ass out of there that you were truly saved. It had
nothing to do with me."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is, Mulder. You paid no attention to what I was saying to you. You
didn't hear me, you chose to ignore my words. I was powerless to stop you."

"But you were on your way to see Skinner-" he protested.

"Yes I was, but Rendall beat me to it. It was his conversation with Skinner
and Skinner's order that resulted in your removal. I had no affect on you."

He shook his head slowly as he listened to her reasoning, once again
failing to hear what she was really saying. "But you said the things I
needed to hear Scully. I needed those words. I needed to be told and you
were the one who did that. No one else would have been concerned enough for
me to try and force me to back away. No one else cared. The only reason why
Rendall did what he did was probably because he heard what went on between
us in the evidence room. What you said was exactly what I needed, Scully."

"You don't need me Mulder. You just think you do. You go off whenever you
want on your own, with whoever you want. You don't need me." She turned her
back on him, unable to stand his looks anymore. She had only taken one step
away from him, when his tone of voice stopped her and rooted her to the
spot.

"You couldn't be more wrong, Scully," he choked. 

She wondered if his throat felt as constricted as her own. She wondered if
he too was fighting the urge to let the tears fall She forced herself to
take a deep breath as his voice, still shaky and full with emotion,
continued behind her.

"Do you want to know just how I need you?" He wasn't expecting an answer
and continued. "I need you to ground me. I need you to be my sounding
board. I need you to show me what I'm missing in my theories, to show me
the other perspective. I need you to back me up, watch my back, haul my ass
out of trouble. I need your passion for the truth, your logic, your
convictions and your courage to continue when all I want to do is lay down
and die from the regret and guilt that consumes me. I need your presence to
remind me of why I keep this ridiculous search going and what answers I
need to discover so that you and I can have some closure in our lives. I
need you by my side fighting for me like no one else can, like no one else
is willing to do." He knew he was babbling, but she had caused him to want
to say so much to her, to pour everything out, to convince her once and for
all that she was vital to his very existence, and so he continued." I need
you to keep the demons away. I need you here next to me as the reason I get
up every morning. I need to hear your voice on the other end of the
telephone, in my ear or behind me to remind me that I'm not the only person
on this planet. I need your hand on my arm to steady me when I start to
sway. I need to see your rare smile to remind me that there is a god. I
need to smell your perfume everyday, to touch the small of your back, see
you lick your lips, watch you sweep your hair back from your face. And I
need all these things like I need my next breath. 

"But most of all, Scully," he lowered his voice to a whisper, fearing he
may have already said too much. "Most of all, I need... I need to feel that
you need me... in some small way. That's what I need. That's why I came
here tonight." 

Scully was at a loss for words. Everything he had said to her was what she
wanted to hear and more. But she didn't know how to respond. She reached
out with her arm and placed her hand on the sofa to steady herself, not
trusting her legs to hold her up for much longer. 

"Do you, Scully?" He moved behind her. "Do you need me?" 

Then, in perhaps the boldest move of his life, he placed his hands on her
shoulders. She could turn her back on him, but she couldn't ignore his
touch. His pressure was light but the sensation was enough to make Scully
feel like she had been struck by lightning. As his finger tips gently began
to knead her flesh, he felt her stiffen as she fought the urge to turn
towards him. 

As if sensing the change in the air, he asked, "Is there any part of you
that needs me, Scully, as much as I need you?"

His words terrified her. She needed him. For all the reasons he had told
her that he needed her, she needed him. Her body remained taut as he gently
moved his hands from her shoulders down her arms. She could feel his breath
on her neck and was powerless to stop herself from closing her eyes in
response to the sensation.

Hearing a slight sigh escape from her lips, Mulder moved closer towards
her; his torso brushing hers ever so slightly, a warmth spreading
throughout their bodies. The seconds that she remained like that, defensive
towards him, were torturous. He waited, and he worried. Maybe he was wrong.
Maybe she didn't need him in her life. 

He whispered in her ear once more just as he was about to pull away. "Do
you need me, in your life?"

He didn't see the tear that fell from her cheek as she heard the doubt that
had edged it's way into his voice. He didn't sense the fist that had just
taken grip of her heart. But after a few seconds, he felt her move slowly
backwards, folding herself into his embrace as his arms slipped around her
waist. It was a small gesture but it had spoken volumes to him.

He had his answer. 

**********
END

Feedback: Rhasa4@yahoo.com