TITLE: BREAKING LEGS AND PICKING POCKETS AUTHOR: DAVID HEARNE CLASSIFICATION: H RATING: PG SUMMARY: In the conflict between materialism and spirituality, what wins out? How do we maintain an individual sense of self in the midst of a globalized and homogeneous culture? Fox Mulder and Dana Scully face these questions as they investigate a baffling case. Scully almost gets laid, too. Send feedback to ottercrk@sover.net Website is located at http://members.dencity.com/hearne XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX And it came to pass that Assistant Director Walter Skinner read the latest report from Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. It also came to pass that he felt slightly keyed-off. "This," he said as he poked the report with his finger, "is what I'm supposed to deliver to the office of a congressman?" He directed the question to Mulder and Scully as they sat in chairs before his desk. The two agents answered by just shrugging. "And it's not only the congressman," Skinner said. "How do you justify to accounting your plane trips from California to Canada and back again when you have made no arrests and provided no evidence to support the conclusion expressed in this report?" "Same way as usual?" Mulder suggested. Skinner glared at Mulder. "With all due respect, sir," Scully said, "there was never any real expectation of us making an arrest or finding evidence. Our investigation was sanctioned for political purposes." "That might be so..." "Besides it wasn't a total loss," Mulder said. "I got to meet an actor from one of my favorite shows, and Scully almost got laid." Now it was Scully's turn to glare at Mulder. "Well, you could have." "Agent Mulder, focus," Skinner ordered. "Concern yourself with proving that these two individuals..." He checked the report. "...that Noelani and Muggeridge were really..." Skinner sighed. "Do you believe this?" "I agree that we have no firm evidence to support the claims made by Ms. Noelani and Mr. Muggeridge," Scully admitted. "However, considering the strange events which Agent Mulder and I witnessed, I can find no other creditable explanation supported by the available facts." "Agent Scully, can't you just say 'Yes?'" "No." Skinner drummed his fingers on the desk, then said, "Maybe you should tell me personally what you witnessed." "Are you sure you have the time, sir?" Mulder asked. "I have forty-three minutes until my next meeting, Agent Mulder. Go." Mulder cleared his throat. "Well...it began where we are right now..." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Agent Fox Mulder stood up from his chair and said, "Lord, forgive this man for he knows not what he says." "Sit your butt down, Mulder, or lose it." Mulder did as he was told, but he still looked at Walter Skinner in amazement. "I'm sorry, sir, but I don't see the point of this assignment." "First of all," the assistant director said, "it's not your job to see the 'point' of an assignment. Second of all, you and Agent Scully have investigated many cases whose 'point' still remains elusive to your superiors." "Well...that may be true..." "That is a rock-hard fact." "...but the cases Scully and I usually investigate involve some kind of crime -- a missing person, an unusual death. All we got here are the standard trials and tribulations of a film company." "It's a legitimate criticism, sir," Agent Dana Scully said. She was sitting next to Mulder. Scully's partner motioned to her as if to say, "See? She agrees with me." He knew that Skinner was less likely to be annoyed with Scully. "What exactly is the Bureau's interest in this film production?" she asked. Skinner began to look uncomfortable. "MMLJ's request for help came to us through a congressional office," he explained. "A-ha!" Mulder said. "So that's what this is about." "Oh, right, Mulder, yes," Skinner snapped. "MMLJ has the ear of a high-ranking congressman." "Who?" "Tom DeLay." Mulder slapped his thigh. "I should have known." "The Bug-Killer wants us to do this?" Scully said, incredulous. "Yes, Agent Scully," Skinner sighed. "The Bug-Killer. Apparently, Senator DeLay thinks highly of MMLJ and wants to support their efforts." "Tom DeLay," Mulder muttered, shaking his head. "How can that man not believe in evolution when he's so obviously the missing link?" "That's enough, Mulder. DeLay is a person with a lot of influence. The FBI wants to maintain a friendly relationship with him. If investigating MMLJ's complaints keeps the Bug-Killer happy, then I consider that an effort well-spent." Neither Mulder or Scully look convinced. Skinner leaned forward until his muscular arms were resting on his desk. He formed a smile on his face which didn't change the look in his eyes. "Please. It would make me happy, too." Mulder and Scully turned to each other. "Aaaah," Mulder said. "How can we say 'no' to that ex-Marine charm?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX So they went to California... MMLJ Productions was located in Burbank where it took up a floor of a tall office building. It was there that Mulder and Scully met John Lambert, a handsome man dressed in sneakers and a T-shirt with the words "The Alpha Agenda" printed on it. "Greetings," he said as he shook their hands. "God be with you." "Uh, thanks," Mulder replied. "Please take a seat." Mulder and Scully sat down in Lambert's office. The walls were covered with posters for other MMLJ films -- "Bearing the Cross," "War in the New Age," "Lambs and Lions," "Christian Fighter" and "Christian Fighter 2: Fists of Holiness." "I assume you've been told about our problem," John said. Mulder took a breath and said, "We know you're having trouble with your latest production which is...I assume..." He indicated John's t-shirt. "That's right. You wouldn't believe the problems we're having. Newly bought equipment falling apart, missing scripts, actors getting sick, two car accidents, bad weather..." "Mr. Lambert, with all due respect, that doesn't sound too exceptional. Lots of movie productions can have the problems you've mentioned. As for the weather, you're filming in Vancouver, right?" "Well, yes." "Since when is the weather not bad in Vancouver? By the way, is it true that you only have to pay the locals in beer to film up there?" John stared at Mulder. Scully looked elsewhere. "That was a joke," Mulder said weakly. John cleared his throat and said, "In any case...I agree that these problems are not uncommon to film productions. We've had them before. However, not quite like this. Furthermore, I believe they are not accidental. I believe there is a conscious effort by evil forces to sabotage 'The Alpha Agenda.'" "Yes, we've heard your claims," Scully drawled. "You say that these incidents are the work of..." "Satan." "I see." "Satan is a very real person, Agent Scully." John pointed at the tiny crucifix hanging around Scully's neck. "Though I don't think I need to tell you that." "It's not a question of believing in Satan, Mr. Lambert," Scully responded in her best diplomatic tones. "It's a question of believing that the Prince of Darkness would spend time ruining a movie." "Well, he's doing it now. And he's doing it because MMLJ is having enormous success in spreading the Gospel through film." "You are?" Mulder said. "Look at our video sales, Agent Mulder. They're among the highest and fastest in the country." "They are?" "Sir, your success is not..." Scully started to say. "We're bringing Hollywood production values to Christian film-making," Lambert continued on. "Our films have all the elements of popular culture that people have come to expect -- action, humor, special effects." "Oh, you gotta have special effects," Mulder said, a grin slowly forming on his face. "That's right. We're attracting big name Hollywood talent as well." "Like who?" "Gary Busey and Howie Mandel." Scully could sense a laugh rising out of Mulder's throat. She cut him off by saying, "I congratulate you on your achievements, Mister Lambert. However, those achievements are not concrete proof of...Satanic infiltration." "I agree. And I probably wouldn't even consider the possibility if it weren't for one thing." John leaned forward and lowered his voice. "On the day trouble started on the production, the offices of a new business opened up in this very building. Right below us." "A...Satanic business?" Mulder guessed. "Yes, Agent Mulder. It's called 'Aquarius Models.'" "You're right. That does sounds Satanic." "It's a company run on New Age doctrine. They practice channeling, Wiccan arts, and other occultism." "And you believe they're responsible for your production troubles?" "I believe that at the very least Satan is working through them, whether they know it or not." Mulder and Scully looked at each other, then back at John. "Well, then," Scully said, "that's where we should go next." John smiled. "Thank you very much. We will be praying for your investigation to reveal the truth." "Before we go," Mulder said, "there are a couple more questions I want to ask. How do you know the Bug...Tom Delay?" "We met once at a Republican fund-raiser. Since then, he has been a supporter of our work." "M-hm. And what exactly is 'The Alpha Agenda' about, anyway?" "It's about a scientist who discovers proof that evolution is wrong and the book of Genesis is correct. An international New Age conspiracy works to suppress his evidence." "That sounds...interesting." "Well, we're just trying to make a movie everybody will like." "And spread the Gospel, of course." "Of course." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Mulder kept his comments to himself until he and Scully left the offices of MMLJ productions. As they headed for the elevator, he said, "Wow. Gary Busey and Howie Mandel. How did they get those guys?" "Be nice, Mulder." "Actually I'm impressed. This company has found a new corner in the straight-to-video film market. I'm assuming that's where most of these films wind up." "What do you mean by 'new corner?'" Scully said. The two agents reached the elevator. Scully pushed the down button. "They're marketing films to all the fundamentalists who feel ashamed of watching 'Titanic' or 'The Sixth Sense' or whatever." "Why would they feel ashamed of that?" "I don't know. Because Kate Winslet showed her boobies and 'The Sixth Sense' is too occult. There's always some reason. Fundamentalists are not supposed to be participants in modern-day culture." "So MMLJ re-packages popular culture into an acceptable format for them." "Exactly. It's kind of a genius idea. It's also a way of giving has-been actors something other to do than 'Beastmaster IV.'" The doors opened. Mulder and Scully stepped into the elevator. As she pressed the button for the right floor, Scully asked, "So are you taking this case more seriously now?" "No. But it might be more fun than I imagined." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The office was full of beautiful women. Some of them were sitting on the floor with their eyes closed. Others were sitting in chairs and reading "Vogue." Some were attempting to communicate with spirits while others were talking on cell phones. All of them were wearing something along the lines of tie-dyed shirts, skirts which covered their toes, sandals, hefty necklaces, tinted glasses. However, while some wore their clothes on the baggy side, others had altered their apparel to reveal their flat tummies, sizable breasts and long, shapely legs. Mulder looked upon all of this and blinked repeatedly. "May I help you?" a very pretty secretary asked with a very pretty smile. Seeing that Mulder had gone into a trance, Scully showed her ID and said, "Could we speak with whoever is in charge here?" A few minutes later, the FBI agents were told to go see the manager of Aquarius Models. "Come on, Mulder," Scully said. "Wha...?" Scully smiled and tugged on Mulder's sleeve. "It's impolite to drool on someone else's carpet." The two agents walked through a hallway smelling of incense and perfume. The walls were covered with photos of attractive women dressed in hemp clothing, licking organic ice cream off spoons or draping themselves over electric cars. Mulder and Scully reached the office of Rainbow Spirit. At over forty years of age, Rainbow Spirit ranked as the oldest woman on the premises. However, she remained a beguiling woman with dark hair and full lips. Whether her good looks were preserved through body cleansing or plastic surgery was unclear. "Greetings," she said as she shook their hands. "Goddess be with you both." Everybody sat down. "How may I help you?" Rainbow asked. "Well," Scully said, "this is rather unusual, but we are investigating the complaints of the people..." Scully pointed at the ceiling. "...up there." "You mean, MMLJ?" "Yes." Rainbow smiled. "They're blaming us for their production troubles." "That's it exactly." "Well, we are responsible." Mulder and Scully looked at each other, then turned back to Rainbow. Mulder said, "You have the right to remain silent..." Rainbow laughed. "No, no. It's nothing deliberate we have done. Rather, it's our mere presence which is creating problems for them." "That's kind of what Mr. Lambert told us. He said that...um...Satan was working through you to destroy his company." "Not Satan. It's our energy flow." "Huh?" Rainbow clasped her hands together and looked at the FBI agents as if they were kindergarten students. "Aquarius Models represents a new spiritual paradigm -- a fresh connection to the energies of the universe. We are getting in touch with earth, nature and the Goddess. Unfortunately those..." She pointed at the ceiling. "...up there are still employing a stiff ideology which blocks them from the benefits of the energy flow. Doing so can be harmful to yourself and those around you. Our proximity to them is exacerbating those harmful energy blocks. Hence, their production difficulties." Scully looked at Mulder, wondering if he had understood one word the woman has just said. Judging from the expression on his face, the answer was "Hell, no." Rainbow kept on smiling. "I know this can be difficult to understand." "Um," Mulder said, "maybe I could understand it better if I knew just what your business was about. I mean, I can see that it's a modeling agency, but what kind exactly?" "A New Age modeling agency." "And just how can modeling be 'New Agey?'" Scully asked in a dry voice. "Our models specialize in products which have a beneficial spiritual content. Of course, the occupation itself is in need of spiritual renewal. You might not know this, Agent Scully, but the modeling world can be a very superficial and empty one." "I had no idea." "We are only interested in models with an enhanced consciousness and a sensitivity to the world's collective soul. Women like yourself, Agent Scully." "Excuse me?" "Besides being a lovely woman, you have a most pleasing aura around you." Scully looked around her. "A what?" "Oh, you need special training to see it, but I can tell you have a fine soul -- caring, compassionate, very spiritual. You would make an excellent addition to our agency." "Well...thank you." "It's a pity that you're so short." Sensing that Scully was about to bark a few undiplomatic words, Mulder jumped in here. "Basically you are claiming no responsibility for MMLJ's production troubles?" "I'm saying that it's their own responsibility." "Right. The energy flows. That falls out of our territory." "Might I ask what you're doing here at all?" "Just trying to kill a few bugs." Before Rainbow could ask what that meant, Mulder stood up. "I think there's no need for any more questions. Right, Scully?" "Right," his partner grumbled. "Well, one more question. What does my aura look like?" With a stiff smile, Rainbow said, "You...don't want to know." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Call me short, well, I'm not so short that I couldn't kick your butt..." "Scully..." "You and any other praying mantis in that place, I could take you all on..." "Scully..." "New age modeling, my ass..." "Scully, you are the most beautiful woman in this whole building." Scully stopped dead in the hallway and turned to Mulder. They had just left Aquarius Models on their way to the elevator. She turned to Mulder and asked, "What did you say?" "Nothing. So what do you think about this 'energy flow' theory?" Scully studied Mulder's deadpan face for a couple of seconds, then said, "The same thing I think about this whole investigation. Not worth our time." "I'm coming to the same conclusion. I think we've done enough to keep the Bug-Killer happy." "So you want to leave?" "Yes." "Are you sure? Maybe a few of those women there won't be turned off by your aura." "Maybe. Did any of them look at me in the right way?" Scully slowly smiled. "Mulder, I heard what you..." The sound of the crash made them spin towards Aquarius Models. Mulder and Scully hesitated just a moment, then they ran back down the hallway. After searching the offices and squeezing past tall bewildered women, they located the source of the noise. A photo shoot had been taking place in one of the studios with a model posing naked behind strategically placed ley lines. The shoot had been interrupted by John Lambert falling through the floor of his office. A jagged hole now connected Aquarius Models and MMLJ Productions. A phone dangled through the hole on wires while the extension cord stretched down to John Lambert. He was lying on his back with a chair between him and the floor. The expression on his face was pretty much as can be imagined by anyone. The photographer and a newly robed model huddled in a corner. Mulder and Scully looked at the man on the floor. They looked up at the ceiling. Then they looked back at the man, trying to understand this. Then Rainbow Spirit burst into the studio. "What the hell happened?" Up until then, Lambert had been too dazed to speak. Now he was pointing at Rainbow Spirit and yelling, "I renounce you in the name of Jesus Christ! I denounce you and your master Satan!" "Hey, don't bring your negative auras in here, pal!" Rainbow Spirit snapped back. "Pagan!" "Relic!" "Jezebel!" "Bigot!" Meanwhile, a voice over the phone was saying, "John? John, what's going on?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The overweight, pug-nosed, gray-haired fifty-year-old woman looked at the dust and rubble in the studio and said, "I am *not* cleaning up that crap." "Please, Noelani," Rainbow Spirit told the woman, "we are all part of a community here..." "Then why am I the only one getting paid six-fifty an hour? I say, you take care of it." "I'm not at fault here. This was an act of the Goddess..." "Looks like an act of bad building inspectors. Now if you'll excuse me..." The cleaning lady shoved her equipment cart through the studio door. Mulder had to jump out of her way. He could hear her grumbling as she marched down the hallway. "Get out of my way, you skinny bimbos..." She wasn't the only one eager to leave. John Lambert attempted again to stand up, but Scully insisted that he remain on the ground. "Please, sir, don't move..." "I have to leave this place. It has been marked by Satan himself." "Mister Lambert, I have to make sure your condition is safe to move." Mulder walked over to John. "Tell me, has anybody been hurt as a result of these accidents?" he asked. Both John and Scully looked at him in puzzlement. "Excuse me?" John said. "You mentioned a couple of car crashes. Was anybody injured severely?" "Well...no. As a matter of fact, we've had another accident involving electric equipment which could have been deadly. But no one was hurt." John sneered at Rainbow Spirit. "See how the Lord protects those who worship Him?" Before Rainbow Spirit could respond, Mulder said, "Then let's see if that's true now." He held out a hand to John and declared, "Arise!" John grasped Mulder's hand. The FBI agent pulled him to his feet. Scully opened her mouth to protest, but said nothing when she saw John stand firmly on his two feet. "Well, I guess you're right, Mister Lambert," Mulder observed. "Of course I'm right. Now I suggest you leave this den of evil." John marched toward the door, but then stopped and glowered at Rainbow Spirit. "You know what I'm going to do now?" he said. "What?" she replied with her eyes narrowing. "I'm going to pray. Real *hard*." He exited the studio. Rainbow Spirit chased after him, shouting, "Well, let me tell you what kind of karma you're gonna get, pal!" Scully crossed over to Mulder. He was staring at the hole. "Mulder?" "M-hm?" "You've got that look on your face." "What kind of look?" "The kind you get right before you say something that leaves me feeling very uneasy." Mulder turned to her with a smile. "This is quite interesting, isn't it?" "I thought you lost your interest." "That was before this. And before I found out that nobody has been injured by these strange accidents." "Whatever happened to the 'standard trials and tribulations of a film production?'" "A camera breaking down is one thing. This..." He pointed up. "...is something else." "So you think...what? That Satan is trying to destroy MMLJ?" "As a great detective said, I suspect no one...and everyone." "If you're suggesting that we're in a Blake Edwards film, I'm outta here." "We should be outta here. And someplace much further north." "Uh, how north?" "Better bring an umbrella, Scully. You know, it's been awhile since we had to use one." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Pat-pat-pat went the raindrops on the black umbrella. Mulder and Scully heard the sound as well as the crackle of walkie-talkies, the thump of equipment being unloaded and actors going over their lines. Everything particularly valuable from the cameras to the actors' hair was protected with plastic wrap as the grey sky dispensed more water. Today's shoot for "The Alpha Agenda" was being done in a forest. The two FBI agents had arrived in Vancouver a few hours ago and had gone to the set in search of Luke Lambert. He found them first. After finishing a call on his cellular phone, he spotted the two visitors. "Excuse me," he said as he walked over to them. "May I ask what you two are doing here?" The two visitors blinked. "John Lambert?" the man said. "No, he's my brother." "Wow, you two look exactly..." "Yes, we're twins," Luke interrupted impatiently. "Luke and John..." the male visitor said, then his eyes lit up. "Oh, hey! MMLJ...Matthew, Mark..." "Right. Now how about telling me who you are?" The woman reached into her pocket and pulled out an ID badge. "I'm Agent Dana Scully. This is my partner Fox Mulder." Luke's frown turned to embarrassment. "Oh. I'm sorry. John told me you were coming, but..." "It's all right." "Is he doing well?" "He was unhurt by his fall." Luke nodded. "Praise God. So what do you plan to do here?" Scully turned to Mulder with a tired expression on her face. Mulder said, "Uh, we're continuing our investigation." "Very good. Of course, we know who is really responsible for all this." "Hm." "Aquarius Models." "Hm." "And Satan." "Well, we'll be looking into..." Luke's cellular phone rang. "Excuse me." He answered it and said, "Luke Lambert here...Yes...Uh, excuse me, Reverend, but the agreement was one percent of the gross...Yes, I know you'll be heavily promoting 'The Alpha Agenda' on your show, but..." Luke walked away from the two agents. "So, Mulder," Scully said, "how exactly do we continue our investigation?" "We look around. We hone in on anything suspicious." "M-hm. And what -- I ask you as I stand here in the rain -- counts as suspicious?" Instead of answering her, Mulder pointed over her shoulder and said, "Hey, look!" "Mulder, don't try to change the subject." "Scully, look." Mulder gripped her shoulder and turned her around. Scully saw a tall man walking alongside a woman. The woman was holding an umbrella over the man's head while trying to keep a grip on unwieldy notebook in her other hand. Despite his make-up, wrinkles were apparent on the man's face and his toupee might as well as have been made out of glass. His features were handsome and commanding, but in a strangely forgettable way. The manner of his walk suggested a protective bubble which would repel all intruders. For the moment, the weary lady next to him was allowed in it. After looking at the man, Scully said, "Yeah? So?" "That's Kevin Ford!" "Who?" "Kevin...Ford. You know him." "I do?" "'Chicago Streets.'" Scully showed Mulder her blank face. "For heaven's sake, it was one of the biggest t.v. shows during the eighties." Scully thought about it, then shook her head. "I can't recall it." "Kevin Ford played Detective Nicholas Sharpsteen," Mulder sighed. "Why can't you remember this?" "I don't know, Mulder. Maybe studying medicine didn't give me a lot of time to watch t.v." "You always miss out on the finer things in life, Scully." "Well, I take it that his career didn't do so well after the series was over. Now he's in the same company as Gary Busey and Howie Mandel." Mulder snorted. "Busey and Mandel couldn't carry Kevin Ford's water bottle. Excuse me..." Mulder walked over to the tarp under which Kevin Ford was now sitting. Scully opened her mouth to protest, but then shrugged. She began to wander around the set. Kevin Ford was looking over his script when he heard, "Excuse me, Mister Ford?" He looked up to see a man with a goofy smile on his face. Ford's assistant rushed to intercept the man. "I'm sorry, but Mr. Ford isn't..." Instinctively, Mulder pulled out his ID badge. "Agent Fox Mulder, FBI." Ford got a chill which had nothing to do with the soggy weather. "I already told the FBI everything I know about the Carlettis..." "Huh? Oh, no, I'm not here about that. Whatever that is." Ford didn't relax. "Oh. Well, why are you here?" "I'm, uh...I'm investigating another matter relating to your film here. But I just wanted to talk with you. I was a big fan of 'Chicago Streets.'" Ford both cringed and smiled openly at the same time. "Really?" "Really." Ford thought briefly, then nodded to the assistant. She stepped aside to allow Mulder under the tarp. "Well," Ford said, "it's nice to see I had such an effect on your life." "Excuse me?" "You chose to join law enforcement because of my show." "Uh, I did?" Ford paused, then said, "Didn't you?" "Actually, no. I had already made that decision long before 'Chicago Streets.'" "Oh." Ford cleared his throat. "I just assumed...well, I used to get a lot of letters from people who said they decided to become policemen because of my show." "Well, I can see that. Of course, maybe that's not such a good thing." "What...what do you mean?" Mulder shuffled his feet in discomfort. "Uh...you know...Sharpsteen wasn't always good about following Miranda and the basic rules on search and seizure. Not exactly a good model for police officers." Ford looked away from Mulder. "It was the eighties," he muttered. "That's true, that's true. It was a long time ago." The actor was sinking deeper into his chair. Mulder cleared his throat and said, "But let's talk about now. How did you get involved in this film?" Ford perked up. "Well, John and Luke offered me the role and the script was just so good that I couldn't turn it down..." If it had been Mandel or Busey saying this, Mulder would have said, "Since when you are in a position to turn anything down?" Instead he just nodded. "It also touched me on a personal level. You see, I was born again three years ago." "Oh?" "Life after the end of 'Chicago Streets' was...not easy. I became lost in drugs and meaningless sex. But, then one night, Jesus appeared to me and showed the way to salvation." "Well...good for you." "Have you been saved, Agent Mulder?" As the conversation between him and Ford took a decidedly uncomfortable turn for Mulder, Scully continued to stroll around the set. She walked casually past crew members and trees, not expecting to see anything. Yet she did. It was just a brief glimpse, but Scully would swear later that she had seen a person peeking around a tree. She would also be sure that it had been an overweight woman with a grumpy expression. Scully saw her only for a second and then the other woman vanished. Scully moved quickly towards the tree. "Oof!" she said as she bumped into a man crossing her path. The man stumbled backwards and fell butt-first onto the wet ground. He managed to hold onto a stack of books in his arms. "Oh, I'm sorry," Scully apologized. "It's all right," the thin black man said. "It's quite all right." "Here, let me..." Scully folded up her umbrella and took the stack of the books out of the fallen man's arms. The thin black man pulled himself to his feet, brushing at his soiled pants. "I'm really sorry," Scully said. "No, no, I wasn't looking where I was going. May I?" He held out his arms and Scully handed him back the books. As she did so, she read the title of the top book through the plastic wrapping. "'Book of Orisis?'" she said out-loud. "Oh, these aren't actual books. They're props. You see, we're shooting a scene with the Orisis Circle today..." The thin black man saw Scully's puzzled expression. "Um...the Orisis Circle is this old New Age conspiracy...um, group which...uh...attacks Christianity...and, well, all that." "Ah." "I know what you're thinking. Conspiracies are all very hard to take." "Actually I'm pretty open-minded on the concept." "Really? Well...uh...what do you think about evolution?" "I'm sorry?" "This movie is about..." "Oh, that's right. There's supposed to be scientific evidence which disproves evolution..." "Yeah." "...and the conspiracy..." "The Orisis Circle." "...tries to cover it up." "Right. So what do you think about 'evolution?' I mean, it's just a theory, right?" "Well, lots of important ideas in science are 'theories.' Many of our concepts about the atom are 'theoretical.' Evolution theory is an extrapolation of current facts that attempts to answer certain questions. And however his ideas may be perceived in the future, no one will dispute Darwin's qualifications as a scientist and a researcher." "Oh." "No one creditable, that is." "I see." "Of course, this..." Scully indicated the set. "...has nothing to do with science. It's about people who feel threatened by science." "Obviously you don't feel threatened." "I believe in God. That belief is not weakened by..." Scully stopped herself briefly, then continued. "Well, I don't know how you feel about it." "Oh, me? I'm not threatened at all by evolution theory." The black man's face lit up with the kind of smile associated with naughty children. "In fact, I suspect everyone would be surprised to know how the world was really created." "How's that?" The naughty smile was cracked by a nervous expression. "Oh...I...I don't really know. Anyway, I need to get going. Good to see you, uh..." "Agent Dana Scully." The thin black man blinked. "Agent?" "FBI." "Oh," the black man said. Then he said "Oh" again. "And you are?" "Muggeridge. Uh, John Muggeridge. So, what does the FBI want here?" "We're investigating the unusual accidents that have occurred in regards to this production." "Oh, those." "Your employers seem to think that some force is deliberately causing these accidents." Scully looked straight at Muggeridge. "What do you think?" "I, uh...I'm...I'm just a production assistant." Muggeridge shrugged. "Excuse me, but I need to deliver these." Muggeridge scurried away. As she watched him, Scully felt that she could make one assumption. John Muggeridge was a terrible liar. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Ever get into a theological debate with a has-been actor?" Mulder asked Scully. "Can't say I have." "Don't ever try it." "'Has-been actor,' you say. I take it you've reversed your opinion on Mister Ford." Mulder smiled a little. "Life is full of disillusionments. So did you find anything interesting?" A cry of "Quiet on the set!" kept Scully from answering. After the requisite checks on sound and camera, the director ordered the scene to begin. Scully and Mulder watched with the rest of the crew as Kevin Ford's character Norman Shasteen snuck up on a secret meeting of the Orisis Circle. Six hooded men were gathered around a small wooden pyramid with an eye designed into each side. They each held a book from which they read a chant. Norman Shasteen hid behind a tree and overheard their ceremony. "O, Dark Prince, we call to you in your shadowy realm. Give us knowledge so that we might be wiser than our enemies. Give us weapons so that we might defeat them. Give us wealth so that..." Shasteen coughed. Or, rather, Ford coughed. The actors playing the Orisis Circle turned in puzzlement. "Sorry," Kevin Ford said after clearing his throat. "Sorry." "It's all right," the director said, reasonably patient. "Let's start it again." And then they did. "O, Dark Prince, we call to you in your shadowy realm. Give us knowledge so that we might be wiser than our enemies. Give us weapons so that..." "Cough, cough." "Cut," the director sighed. "Kevin, do you need a drink of water?" The actor nodded as he rubbed his throat. After being given a drink of water, the scene was begun again. "O, Dark Prince, we call to you in your shadowy realm. Give us knowledge so that we might be wiser..." "Cough, cough, cough..." The crew groaned. The director who had been born-again himself yelled out, "Oh, goddammit, what is the problem? Kevin, I don't need this. We've already had enough..." The director stopped his harangue when he heard Ford's coughing become louder. He bent over as he hacked and wheezed. His assistant ran over and rubbed his back. The crew stared in discomfort, expecting to see something large drop out of Ford's mouth. Mulder was staring at Ford, too. Scully was looking elsewhere. It was mere instinct which made her search for John Muggeridge. She was not too surprised to see him nearby or to see the expression on his face. He did not look shocked as other people did. He looked guilty. Scully turned back to Ford when she heard the director say, "Uh, Kevin, do you need to lie down?" Still bent over and coughing, Kevin nodded. His assistant led him away. The director said, "Okay, everybody take ten." The actors and set crew groaned, knowing the director really meant, "We're done for today, but nobody is leaving yet." Luke Lambert showed up, just having finished another phone call. When we saw Kevin Ford being led away, he demanded to know what was happening. The director explained. Luke then asked if there was any other footage which could be shot today. The director replied that they needed Kevin to do any shooting at all. Luke accused the director of not planning properly, after which the conversation began to take a decidedly unchristian turn. As Luke and the director bickered, Mulder said to Scully, "Satan strikes again. Of course, this could mean nothing. In this weather, it's surprising that everybody doesn't have a cold..." "What about the weather?" a set crew member demanded to know. He had overheard Mulder's comment. He also pronounced 'about' as 'a-boot.' Mulder looked at the testy crew member and said, "Well...it's just...I mean, I have nothing against Vancouver. It's just that...well, it rains a lot." "Look, we know it rains up here, pal. We don't need one of our U.S.A. neighbors to tell us that! If you don't like it, go back to freaking Nevada!" The crew member marched off. "His hockey team probably isn't doing well," Mulder grumbled to his partner. "Before you alienate all of Canada," Scully said, "I think there's someone we should be looking into." "Who?" "That man over..." Scully pointed in the direction of John Muggeridge. Or, at least, in the direction of where he had been. Scully looked around and found him in no place to be seen. "What man?" Mulder asked. "One of the set crew. When Ford was having his coughing fit, this crew member had a strange look on his face. Like he knew something nobody else knew." Mulder pondered this for a few seconds, then said, "And?" "Well...I had met him earlier and he seemed...I don't know...squirrelly." "'Squirrelly?'" "I just think he's hiding something." "Wait a minute. You're suspecting this guy simply because he's suspicious-looking? You? Miss Concrete Evidence? Miss 'I-Want-This-Verified?' The woman who is always second-guessing my instincts and her own? You want us to investigate this guy simply because of a funny expression on his face?" Scully made no reply as she shifted her feet. Then Mulder grinned and said, "Dig it. So what's this guy's name?" Scully sighed, then smiled. "John Muggeridge." "Well, let's find him." "Excuse me, people?" Luke Lambert was addressing the crew and cast. He had his back turned to the scowling director. "I think it's time we all joined hands and formed a prayer shield for our set." "Let's find him *now*." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The drizzle continued. Kevin Ford's throat didn't clear up. No shooting was done for that day and "The Alpha Agenda" lost another chunk of money to delayed production. A quickly formed prayer shield did not help their situation. Mulder and Scully weren't having much success, either. They spent a lot of time searching for John Muggeridge on the set. Every person whom they asked for Muggeridge's location would say "He's helping so-and-so" or "He's with whosis over there." However, Muggeridge would never be in the place where he was supposed to be. Finally, they decided to track him down elsewhere. They learned where he was living and decided to wait nearby that address. Muggeridge kept home in an apartment in downtown Vancouver. Mulder and Scully waited in a parked car across the street from the right apartment building. As the rain drops slipped down the windshield, Scully said, "I saw something else on the set today." "Yeah?" Mulder said as he nibbled on a sunflower seed. "I thought...I'm pretty sure I saw that cleaning lady on the set." Mulder turned to her. "What cleaning lady?" "The one we saw at Aquarius Models. The grumpy one. What was her name?" "Noelani?" "That's her." "And you saw her on the set?" "Yes." "Here in Canada?" "I believe that's where we are." "Well...that would be interesting if she was there." "Do you believe me?" "I'm sorry, Scully," Mulder said with a smile. "It's hard to substantiate my partner's claims when they're based solely on loose hunches and transitory evidence." "You don't say." "Solid facts are my meat-and-potatoes. Only the scientifically proven can be...there's Muggeridge." It was, indeed. He was walking on the other side of the street, his face visible to Mulder and Scully. An unfolded umbrella was in one of his hands and the other supported a shopping bag. "Let's go have a talk with him." Before Mulder and Scully could exit the car, though, Muggeridge stopped. His expression was surprised and uncomfortable. At first, the two FBI agents believed that he had seen them. Then they noticed that his eyes were focused in another direction. When they turned in that direction, they saw Noelani. She was striding towards Muggeridge with a shockingly fast pace. She carried no umbrella. The rain moistened her dowdy clothes, but she paid it no attention. The nervous black man kept still and waited for her. He pressed his shopping bag close to his chest. Once Noelani reached him, she seemed to talk to him in a very terse way. Scully asked, "Should I say 'I told you so' now or wait till later?" "Save it for later," Mulder said and left the car. Scully followed after him. Neither Muggeridge or Noelani seemed to be aware of the FBI agents. Yet at the moment both agents stepped out of the car, the set crew member and the cleaning lady turned to an alley alongside the apartment building. After a few steps into it, they were out-of-sight. Mulder and Scully walked briskly across the street. Then the drizzle stopped very abruptly. And was replaced with equal abruptness by a downpour. The cascade of rain hit Mulder and Scully with the suddenness of a firehose. Neither of them had brought an umbrella with them. Within a few seconds, they were both soaked. Grabbing the tail ends of their coats and pulling them over their heads did little to help. Still they continued their chase. They made it to the alley. No one was there. This didn't seem possible. The alley looked too long for the pursued to have sprinted all the way to the other end. Yet that's what they must have done. "Come on," Mulder said and kept running. Scully ran alongside him despite her doubts and matted hair. They reached the other end which led to a parallel street. They looked left and right in both directions. Nobody could be seen. However, Mulder and Scully spotted an awning for a restaurant's entrance near the apartment building. "This way," he shouted over the whoosh of the rain. "Mulder, I don't think..." "Come on, Scully." Scully sighed. She and Mulder headed for the restaurant. It was closed, but at least the cloth awning shielded them from the storm. "We've lost them," Scully said. "No, they've got to be around here somewhere," Mulder insisted. "Mulder, let's go back to the car." "We're not going back until we find..." With a quick tear, the awning broke. The accumulation of water collected in the awning plus the rain itself almost flattened the two FBI agents. They stood frozen in bowed positions for a few seconds. The rain kept on falling. Then Scully brushed the hair from her eyes and looked at Mulder. He spat out water and said, "Okay. Let's go back to the car." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "That was no ordinary rainstorm, Scully." Mulder waited for a response. He had just stepped out of a bathroom with a robe around his body. Mulder and Scully had driven back to their hotel making deep puddles on the front seats of their car. He stood and looked towards the wall separating his room from Scully's. He could hear his partner moving around in her own bathroom. "Scully?" "Look at your dresser, Mulder. I left a note for you while you were in the bathroom." Mulder did find a small folded note on his dresser. It was damp around the edges. He opened it and read the words, "That was no ordinary rainstorm, Scully." He grinned. "Am I becoming that predictable?" "Dependable, I would say." The adjoining door between the two hotel rooms opened. Scully stood in the doorway, also dressed in a robe. "I'm assuming you believe that Noelani and Muggeridge caused that storm." "Why ask me? You're the one making all the leaps here." "And I'm getting tired of it, too. So what *do* you think?" "I think...that it's interesting that two employees from MMLJ and Aquarius Models were spotted together. I also find it interesting that Miss 'Six-Fifty-an-Hour' would pay for a trip from Los Angeles to Vancouver." "So we should investigate Noelani as well -- find out how she ended up working for Aquarius Models as well as how Muggeridge was employed by MMLJ." "That's it." "What do you expect to find?" "That they're agents of Satan." The hotel room was silent for a few moments. Then Scully said, "No, really, Mulder." He laughed. "I don't know. However, if I'm right that Noelani and Muggeridge caused that rainstorm, then you have to ask -- why would anyone with that kind of power try to ruin a movie production? Why would they waste time..." The phone rang. Scully leaned against the doorway and thought about the case as Mulder answered the phone. "Hello?...Oh, hey, Miss, uh...Miss Spirit..." Mulder listened for a bit, then turned to give Scully a warning look. She stood up straight as Mulder continued to talk. "I see...Well, we'll get down there as soon as we can...Bye." After he hung up, Scully asked if that was Rainbow Spirit. "It was. Apparently, Aquarius Models has just gotten a letter threatening 'God's holy wrath' on their 'Satanic company.'" Scully's shoulders drooped. "MMLJ..." "Looks like it. Jihad, anyone?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Whoever had written the letter was very fond of exclamation points and capitalized letters. Among the letter's contents was a warning to "the HARLOTS enslaved to SATAN himself!!!!" that they should desist from their "VILE and EVIL magics" upon MMLJ or else God would "judge your SINS and cast you into the depths of HELL!!!!!" It closed with "Jesus Loves" and had little smiley faces written in the margins. "Hm," Mulder commented after reading the letter. "You see what we're dealing with here?" Rainbow Spirit said. "The tone of the letter is certainly...abusive. However, do you have any proof that this was sent by anyone connected to MMLJ?" "Who else would send it?" Mulder studied the letter for a few more seconds, then said to Rainbow Spirit, "You have a cleaning lady here. Noelani..." "Not anymore. She quit." "When?" "Just yesterday. What does she have to do with this?" "What time did she quit?" "Excuse me?" "What specific hour did she hand in her resignation?" "Well...it was three-thirty." "Are you sure?" "Yes. She gave her resignation to me personally. She told me to stick this job up my ass 'along with a bowl of soy milk.'" Rainbow Spirit shook her head. "She has such a negative aura. I wish she had stayed. We could have helped her to..." Rainbow Spirit stiffened in her office chair. "You don't think that she was the one who sent that letter?" What could Mulder have said to her? That he had seen Noelani in Vancouver a mere fifteen minutes before she was supposed to have been here in Los Angeles? Rainbow Spirit may have seemed able to embrace certain outlandish ideas, but Mulder doubted that she had enough imagination to handle this concept. "I'm just exploring certain avenues of information," he told her. "How about exploring ways of protecting us from whoever wrote that letter?" "Well, there's the police, of course..." "I've already arranged for their protection at tomorrow's fashion show." "I wasn't aware that you were having a show." Rainbow Spirit nodded. "It's a major event for Aquarius Models. We're previewing the latest line of spiritually conscious clothing from Andre Villette. Unless you can find the fanatic who wrote that letter right now, I want you and Agent Scully to be there." Mulder rubbed his thumb over the letter's edge. "Yes," he said, "I think we should be there." Later, he would meet up with Scully just as she was coming out of the elevator. "What did John Lambert have to say?" Mulder asked her. "Overall, pretty much what you would expect. He denies that MMLJ has anything to do with the threats against Aquarius Models. He also repeated his claim that Miss Spirit's organization is responsible for his problems. However, there was one interesting thing he told me." "John Muggeridge was in his office fifteen minutes after we saw him in Vancouver?" Scully looked surprised for a moment, then folded her arms over her chest and said, "Do you know what he was doing here in L.A.?" "Quitting from the production of 'The Alpha Agenda.'" "That's right. Albeit doing it in the most deferential way possible, judging from what Mister Lambert told me." "Well, Noelani was a bit more rude in tendering her resignation." "You mean, she was in L.A., too?" Mulder nodded. "At the same time as Muggeridge." "Mulder, I known I've said this before, but...this case makes no sense." "It doesn't look very clear from where I'm standing, either. That's why we're going to the fashion show tomorrow." "Fashion show?" "Aquarius Models is putting one on tomorrow. Rainbow Spirit wants us to provide protection." "Do you think something's going to happen?" "Yes, but not necessarily what she's afraid of." "What then?" "Don't know." Mulder tapped his stomach. "I just have that ol' gut feeling..." "All right then. We'll go. Though I'm not looking forward to being close to her crowd." "Don't worry. I'll bring a step-ladder so you can talk to people." Mulder quickly followed that up with "Please don't hit me." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A sitar twanged over the "sh-boom-sh-boom-sh-boom" noise of techno music. This was the sound accompanying the models as they strutted across a runway. They were wearing swimsuits covered with chakra designs. From their seats, various representatives of the fashion world and New Age studies groups nodded in appreciation. They had the glazed eyes of people who were either spiritually enlightened or stoned or both. Mulder and Scully were backstage. Mulder was enjoying the close view of women passing by in bikinis. Scully was wondering if she was allergic to incense. "Man, I'm feeling mighty enlightened," Mulder said as he appreciated the legs on one model. "Imagine how enlightened you'll be if they come out with New Age porn," Scully replied. "Ask and you shall receive." "What? You mean, they've really got..." "No. Not yet. But it's only a matter of time. You've already got fundamentalist thriller movies and New Age modeling agencies. And have you ever heard of something called the Christian Wrestling Federation?" "Oh, dear God, no." "Yep. Who knows what's coming down the spiritual-commercial turnpike? Buddhist romance novels? Mormon game shows? Hindu polka?" "What does any of this have to do with religion?" "Hmmm...probably not a lot." "It all looks ridiculous to me." "Glad to hear you say that," a voice behind them said, and the agents turned to see Noelani. The fat, dumpy woman stood out in the backstage full of models like a manhole cover on a plate of waffles. "Not that anybody was asking what you thought," she added. She then gave the agents a very small smile and walked away. Scully started to chase after her, but Mulder placed a hand on her shoulder. "Stay right here," he said. "Look out for Muggeridge. I'll go after Noelani." Scully nodded. Mulder strode in Noelani's wake. The overweight woman cut a swath through the backstage, her bulk forcing thin young ladies and makeup artists to step aside. "Hold it!" Mulder called out. He caught up with her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She stopped. She looked at Mulder over her shoulder. He quickly pulled back his hand. "Well?" Noelani said. "I...I just want to ask you a few questions." "About what?" Mulder looked up. "It's not going to start raining on me again, is it?" Noelani turned fully around. Her tiny smile had returned. "Inside? That would be a miracle, wouldn't it?" Mulder returned his gaze to her face. "Could you make it happen?" The overweight woman shrugged. "You're responsible for what's been happening to MMLJ, right? You and Muggeridge." She shrugged again. "Why are you doing this?" "Maybe for the very reason your partner said. The ridiculousness of it all." "What do you mean by..." "Look, Agent Mulder. You seem like an okay person. So here's a bit of free advice. Back off. Just return to D.C. and forget about all this." "Or what? Something other than rain will fall on my head?" Noelani snorted. "Oh, come on. Who do you think you're dealing with? The mafia?" "Then who do you represent? Where do you..." Mulder heard a crash. It reminded him of the crash he had heard two days ago. Only this was much, much louder. He spun towards the noise as did everyone else. Then he quickly turned back to Noelani. Or where Noelani had once been. "Ah, damn," he said and began to push his way back to Scully. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX While Mulder was chasing after Noelani, Scully attempted to peek around the edge of the partition separating backstage from the runway. Then she heard -- "If you don't mind me saying so, you're a very attractive woman." She turned and found herself confronting bright white teeth, carefully groomed blonde hair and flat muscular abs displayed over a swimsuit. She regarded the handsome young man who had complimented her and was overcome by indifference. "Excuse me?" she said. "I said, you're a very attractive woman." "Oh. Thank you." She turned away in order to continue her search for Muggeridge. "I mean it. You're the best-looking woman I've met in awhile." Scully looked back at the man. "You're a model, right?" "Yes." "Well, I imagine you meet a lot of attractive women." "Yeah, but you leave them all standing." "And...this despite the fact that I'm not five-foot-nine?" "Actually, I find it refreshing." "Ah." Scully turned away. "Look, I'm flattered, but..." "You think I'm gay, don't you?" Scully twisted her head back to the crestfallen model. "Huh?" "Everybody thinks I'm gay. I mean, just because I'm a model and I'm tidy and I'm a gourmet chef and I meditate regularly and I know all the lyrics to 'Dreamgirls.' People think that makes me gay." "Well, I didn't say..." "I mean, I hang around beautiful women all the time. How is that gay?" "Uh, look..." "Go out with me one time and I'll show you how gay I am," the model declared angrily. "All right," Scully said in a firm voice. "Why don't you take five steps back and..." This was when the crash happened. The noise was followed by many screams. The whole racket was coming from the other side of the partition. Scully bolted towards the runway, but then had to grab onto the edge of the partition in order to keep from falling. She had just learned of a problem with the runway. It wasn't there anymore. To be more specific, it had collapsed to the floor. Three feet wasn't a long way to fall, but everybody who had been standing on the runway was now clumped into a great pile. Scully could see a great tangle of emaciated bodies along with the frustrated bald head of designer Andre Villette and the waving arms of Rainbow Spirit. The two of them had strode onto the runway so they could enjoy the applause for their staged show, only to see the world become a mass of thin legs and bikinis. Scully looked over the disaster. She managed not to laugh. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX When they finally extracted Rainbow Spirit from the mess, she was in a less-than-spiritually-enlightened mood. Mulder got the job of calming her down as Scully inspected the collapsed stage with the police. "Those fundamentalist bastards!" Rainbow Spirit seethed. "They're responsible for this!" Mulder said, "We don't know that for sure..." "Who else could have done it? I swear, I'm going to sue those Christian motherf..." "Miss Spirit, we don't even know for sure how this stage collapsed. It could have just been a freak accident." "Oh, please." "Well, it could be to appearances a freak accident." "Look, you stupid fed, you're not making sense. Are you saying this was an accident or not?" Mulder cleared his throat. "What this stupid fed is trying to say is that MMLJ has been plagued by many strange accidents and unusual events. You were a witness to one of these events. Tell me, have the building inspectors explained how the floor in John Lambert's office collapsed?" "Well...no. But..." "I guarantee to you, Miss Spirit, that an inspection of this runway will turn up no evidence of wrong-doing." "That's not exactly true," Dana Scully said in a hesitant voice. She had just walked up behind Mulder and Rainbow Spirit. Mulder stared at Scully in bewilderment. "Someone weakened the supports on that runway," she said. "Put enough weight on it, and it was bound to collapse." "Are you serious?" Mulder asked. "Well, I'm surprised that the total weight of a group of models was enough, but...yes, this was sabotage." Mulder gave Rainbow Spirit a sheepish look. "Well," she said, "I can see how much use you are. I should have never trusted a man with such a bad aura." Rainbow Spirit marched away. "Where is she going?" Scully asked. "To her lawyers, I think." "I take it she blames MMLJ for this." "Yep." "You have to admit that they do look like the most likely suspects." "The most likely suspects are Noelani and Muggeridge. Noelani practically confessed to me that they were behind the other incidents." "Well, this one breaks the pattern. In all those other events, there was no evidence of direct interference." That's when Mulder got...that special look. Scully informed him of this. "Really?" he said. "I was just thinking...what has been the most tangible result of all this weirdness?" "MMLJ and Aquarius Models hate each other. Or they hate each other even more than before." Scully paused, then said, "Are you saying that this is the motivation? To make the two groups destroy each other?" "Or make it seem that they destroyed each other." "What are you getting at?" "I think we should keep a close eye on the office building where these two companies work." "Why?" Mulder patted his stomach. "Yes, Mulder, you have put on a few pounds, but what's the relevance to this case?" Then she raised her hands and smiled. "Just kidding." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX For the next two days, figurative blood flowed between the separate floors of MMLJ and Aquarius Models. Employees of the separate businesses would glare at each other as they passed by in the hallways. They prayed at MMLJ that the Lord would "smite their enemies." More crystals were arranged in the offices of Aquarius Models in order to "protect the energy flow." Lawyers took care of everything else. Meanwhile, the strange accidents continued on the set of "The Alpha Agenda." Aquarius Models began to experience its own disruptions. Each missing prop, each torn dress, each botched scene, each extra pound on a woman's waist, each head cold which affected actor or model helped to raise tempers. It got to the point where even mistakes clearly made by the individual person were blamed on either Satan or bad vibes, depending on the viewpoint. What did Mulder and Scully do during this? They played cards. They caught up on some reading. They took naps. They called up radio stations to request a song. (The Jam for Mulder, Cassandra Wilson for Scully.) They also did private things not to be described here. These were some of the activities they used to pass the time as they watched the office building. Neither of them knew exactly what they were expecting to happen, yet Mulder insisted that they stick it out. Something did happen. Or, rather, something did not happen. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Mulder, wake up." "Wha...?" Scully nudged her partner again. When his eyes were fully open, she pointed in the direction of the office building under their watch. Mulder looked and saw the lights glowing on two floors -- the two floors where MMLJ and Aquarius Models did business. Mulder checked his watch. "Both offices should be closed now right." "Right. And the cleaning staff should be finished." "Let's go then." They took the elevator up to the right floors. On their way there, Scully noticed Mulder was unhooking the strap on his gun holster. "Think we're going to need that?" Mulder thought about it, then shrugged. "Probably wouldn't do us any good, but..." Scully nodded, then unstrapped her own holster. After exiting the elevator, they cautiously headed for Aquarius Models. They walked through the front door with slow, quiet steps. They passed by the soft furniture, the posters, the... "Bang." Both agents yelped and spun around as they reached for their guns. They both froze when they saw Noelani with her arms crossed over her chest. She looked at Mulder and Scully in a way which made them very nervous. Then she sighed, threw her hands up in the air and said, "Come on then." She walked toward the front door. When she noticed that Mulder and Scully weren't following her, she stopped and said, "Well, come *on*." So they followed her. They went up one flight and entered the offices of MMLJ Productions. Just as they walked in, John Muggeridge walked around a corner to the front hall. "Noelani, I took care of..." He stopped short. "What...what are they..." "They want an explanation," Noelani informed him. She turned to Mulder and Scully. "I assume that's what you want." "Well..." Mulder said. "Okay, then. For starters, I'm an earth spirit. Muggeridge is an angel." "Noelani!" Muggeridge protested. "Oh, don't be such a baby. There's no harm in telling them." Scully decided to interject a comment. "Huh?" "I'm an...earth spirit," Noelani repeated slowly. "Muggeridge is an...aaaaan-gel. Understand?" Scully said, "When...you say 'angel,' you mean..." "Yes. Angel. As in servant of God, the Lord, Yahweh, the Big Cheese, whatever you want to call Him." Scully looked at Muggeridge. He shuffled on his feet and tucked his hands in his pockets. "Yes," he admitted. "That's me. Pretty much." "Okay," Mulder said. "But what do you mean by 'earth spirit?'" "I represent Gaia," Noelani answered. "She's the goddess of Earth and nature." Mulder found himself looking over the overweight, dowdy woman. "What?" Noelani snapped. "Uh, nothing. It's just that you don't..." "Look like a representative of nature?" "I..." "You thought that we would look like fairies from an illustrated children's book, right? All thin and gossamer?" Noelani snorted. "That's what those ditzes down there think. But you want to know what nature is?" Mulder wanted to say "Not really," but Noelani was not to be stopped. "Nature is a thick, black layer of oil. Nature is mud and dirt and pollen which clogs up your nostrils. Nature is the poison in a snake's fangs. Nature is a swarm of mosquitoes at your picnic. Nature is the vast accumulation of animal poop." Noelani leaned forward with her hands on her hips. "It's...not...pretty." She waited for a response. "Very well," Scully said. "Let's say you are what you claim to be. Why have you been creating havoc with these two businesses, and what are you doing right now?" Noelani laughed. It was a brief, bitter sound. "Why are we doing this? How can we not do this? How can we stand by and let these idiots desecrate our religions?" "Desecrate?" "There is a difference, my little Catholic chickadee, between beliefs and products; between spirituality and commerce; between being religious and being a consumer." Noelani pointed a finger at a poster for 'Fists of Holiness.' "These numbskulls are trying to blur the line between the two. You know what's the result of that?" "The, uh...the beliefs become disposable items in the marketplace?" Noelani turned to Muggeridge, waving her arms in the air. "You see? They get it!" "I take it you agree with this," Mulder said to the angel. "Well...yes, actually. Obviously. It reminds me of that, uh, that book written by Benjamin Barber -- 'Jihad vs. McWorld.' His thesis is that...um...the world has been divided between two cultural forces. 'McWorld' represents the homogeneous corporate culture. 'Jihad' is made up of...of groups determined to hold onto a specific cultural tradition in the face of homogenization." Muggeridge removed his hands from his pockets and they fluttered through the air in sync with his words. "What are we seeing here is a compromise between the two forces. In this compromise, you maintain a cultural identity -- Christian fundamentalism, New Age beliefs or whatever -- while still participating in the mass consumer process." "Right," Noelani said. "What happens, however, is that the cherished cultural identity merely becomes another way of surrendering to consumerism. It alleviates the guilt of being a consumer, but does little to change the relationship between the individual and the world." "Exactly. So Muggeridge and I..." "Julian Stallabrass talks about this in 'High Art Lite," Muggeridge added, enjoying his dissertation. "He examines British art and how many artists deliberately call attention to their 'Britishness'..." "Uh, Muggeridge..." "...by inserting obvious British symbols such as the Union Jack into their work. However, while they might seem to be asserting themselves against a global homogeneous culture..." "Muggeridge..." "...they are also using their identity as a way of navigating through..." Noelani pressed her fingers to the angel's lips. He looked down at his feet. "Well," he mumbled, "that's why we're here." "To sum up," Noelani declared, "MMLJ and Aquarius Models have pissed us off. So we're going to take care of them." Mulder and Scully had blank faces. "Hello?" The agents shook themselves. "Sorry," Mulder said. "Kind of got lost in Muggeridge's speech there. Tell me, do you have approval from your, uh, bosses for this?" Muggeridge coughed. "We haven't gotten *formal* approval," Noelani admitted. "However...They haven't tried to stop us yet. And I don't think They'll stop us from exploding the bomb." "Bomb?" Mulder said. "Bomb?" Scully said. "Right. One that will take out both MMLJ and Aquarius Models. And before you get all worked up, let me assure you that nobody will get hurt. And all the damage will be confined to just these two floors. It'll be a freaking miracle." "Actually," Muggeridge said, "there will be two people who get hurt..." "Oh, yeah. I forgot. There will be one body found on each floor. Ours." Noelani shrugged. "No big deal to us. We shuffle off mortal coils regularly. The main thing is that this will kick the bad relations between MMLJ and Aquarius into all-out war." Mulder slowly nodded. "The police aren't going to be able to determine where the blast originated," he predicted. "And the two people who would be the main suspects... the two people who worked separately for the two businesses and quit before the explosion...those two will be dead." "Right." "So it will be ambiguous enough for either side to blame the other," Scully observed. "And that's just what they'll do. They'll waste so much time in recriminations and lawsuits that their businesses will be ruined. Jihad will win out after all." "Nice," Mulder commented. "Good plan." "Thank you." "There's one problem with it, though." "What's that?" "We can't let you do it." Both the angel and the earth spirit tensed their backs. Noelani said, "Excuse me?" "He's right," Scully said. "We have an obligation to stop you." "For the sake of the Goddess, why?" "Because..." Mulder said. "We're FBI agents," Scully completed. "We've sworn an oath to uphold the law." "We have to protect property." "If we walked away from this, we would have to turn in our two-way wrist radios and secret decoder rings." Noelani sighed. "And you think you can do anything to stop us?" "We'll do everything within our power," Scully assured her. Muggeridge said, "Uh, I'm afraid your power is rather..." He held up two guns by the trigger guards. "...limited." The agents quickly inspected their holsters and found only air. "Besides, you don't care for these companies anymore than we do," Noelani reminded them. "So why don't you just leave and enjoy the fireworks?" Mulder clenched his fists. Scully bit her lip. "Well? You want to leave or do we have to make you go?" Scully said, "Could I confer with my partner?" Noelani rolled her eyes. "Sure, go ahead." Mulder and Scully moved ten feet away. They murmured to each other, occasionally nodding and gesturing with their hands. As they talked, Noelani tapped her foot. Muggeridge swayed on his heels. After a half-minute of this, Noelani said, "Are you two done?" "Just a moment," Mulder requested. The two agents were given a little more time. Then Muggeridge said, "We really have to do our work. If you're not planning to leave..." That's when Mulder and Scully turned around and walked back to the ethereal representatives. They had odd little smiles on their faces. "Oh, we'll leave," Mulder said. "However...you must be prepared for the consequences of your actions." "Consequences?" "It may interest you to know that we have had a long-standing offer from a publishing company to write about our experiences on the X-Files." "You do?" "Yes. You see, Jose Chung once wrote a book about one of our cases." Muggeridge smiled. "Oh, I like him. Did you ever read..." "Shut up," Noelani ordered. "What are you two getting at?" "Well," Scully said, "this publishing company found out about us through Chung and has approached us repeatedly to write about the X-Files. So far, we've refused." "We refused for pretty much the same reasons you want to blow up these businesses," Mulder said. "Because popular culture has a habit of trivializing the most meaningful events through homogenization. However..." Mulder scratched his chin. "...the money would be sweet." "Well, yippee for capitalism," Noelani said. "What the hell does this have to do with us?" "One of the first things we'll write about...is this case. And about you two." "What?" "Us?" Muggeridge said. "Meeting an angel *and* an earth spirit. That makes for a mighty interesting tale. Don't you agree, Agent Scully?" "Oh, I agree, Agent Mulder. In fact, we might even be able to do a spin-off." "Right. A whole line of stories about Muggeridge and Noelani. He's an angel. She's an earth spirit. Can they share the same apartment together?" "We'll make you household names." "We'll turn you into catch phrases." "In short, commodities to be sold, used and exploited." Muggeridge looked aghast. Noelani was appalled. "I see that idea appeals to you greatly." "Wait a minute, wait a minute," Noelani said. "There's no guarantee that this book will be published or even sell well." "Oh, I think we have a chance," Mulder said. "You know very well there's a healthy market for such tales. And I think Scully and I are as creative as the people here in MMLJ." "I once won second place in a high school writing contest," Scully declared with a smirk. "Of course, maybe you're right. Maybe no one will publish our book. Maybe no one will buy it. But..." Mulder lowered his voice. "...can you take that chance?" The ethereal representatives looked at each other and saw the same fear. "Battle ye not with popular culture, lest ye become popular culture," Mulder warned them. "So what's it going to be?" Noelani silently asked Muggeridge for advice. The angel could only shrug. Noelani groaned, then plopped herself down on a chair. "I think I know the terms required for you to not write this book." "Leave MMLJ and Aquarius alone," Mulder said. "Let them be silly. Who knows? Maybe you've overestimated their threat." "You think so?" "All beliefs have to endure certain tests," Scully suggested, "including the absurdity of their followers." "Maybe," Noelani sighed. "Still...I was looking forward to blowing these places up." "You mean, have a climatic explosion just like any standard action movie?" "Uh..." "How homogeneous of you." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "And then they disappeared. After that, both MMLJ and Aquarius were able to conduct their business with no unusual interruptions. They still hate each other, but that will become less important as they get involved in their own projects. Besides, in this age of corporate mergers, they could end up working for the same company one of these days." Walter Skinner looked at Mulder. Then his eyes shifted in the direction of Scully. She had a polite expression which indicated that she had nothing to add to Mulder's comments. Skinner turned his attention to the report on his desk. "Is this the report you wish to give to DeLay?" "I think we should just give the word 'inconclusive' to the Bug-Killer. He might have a hard time wrapping his mind around this story." "I concur. However..." Skinner raised his grim eyes back in Mulder's direction. "...there is one thing missing from this report." "What is that, sir?" "A moral." "Excuse me?" "At the end of every report, you always come up with this big flowery speech about the significance of the case. You drop some deep commentary about the state of the world or the human soul or some other crap. However, I am not reading any such commentary here." Skinner pressed his large hand onto the report. "I want my big flowery speech, dammit." "Oh. Well." Mulder thought for a few moments, then said -- "A great man once said, 'It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.' That may be true, but the global culture of shopping and consuming certainly does its best to pick our pickets. It also tries to break the legs of our personal convictions. If it can't stop them, though, then it will try to tame them. Groups such as MMLJ and Aquarius believe themselves to be rejecting the spiritual emptiness of mass culture, but they are merely absorbing that emptiness. And who among us is any different? What excuses do we make for buying goods? What do we tell ourselves when we follow bands on tour or go to conventions based on television shows?" "Well, I don't do either of those things..." Scully said. "Please, I'm on a roll here. My point is -- maybe Noelani and Muggeridge were right. Maybe all spiritual conviction will become just another reason to shop. Mammon is not only replacing the Lord Almighty and Christ, but Gaia and Buddha and any other divine being you can imagine. And the only truth we will be able to discern...is the price on the tag." Mulder spread out his arms. "Say amen somebody." "Amen," Scully said. "A-freaking-men," Skinner grumbled and closed the folder on the report. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Thanks to CindyET for the beta.